When was the last time you walked up to a group of strangers and said, “Can I join you?” You were probably about six or seven. It sounds absurd today, but most people have done it. They just haven’t done it since they were very young.
“As adults, the fear of rejection holds you back,” says counselling psychologist Raisa Kaur. “The fear of being judged and of being too vulnerable.”
The whole thing could come off as strange, desperate or needy; there’s no way of knowing in advance that they’ll really want you to join.
What will they think? As adults, the awareness of the perceptions of others is what makes us run differently, hold back tears, refrain from asking for help. And it’s part of what makes it so much harder to make friends.
Studies have repeatedly shown that the most intense friendships are forged in the late teens and early 20s. This is a time when networks are denser because most acquaintances come from the same school or college, live in the same vicinity and are at the same stage of life. “You have so much time at this stage in life to devote to friendships,” says Kaur. “As a young adult you’re also exploring who you really are, experiencing many firsts, and friends help you do that.”
Then each life finds its groove. In a given group, some members will have children while others won’t, some will move away or move around. Members will become separated by life choices, continents and time zones.
Adults lose about half their friends every seven years and replace them with new ones, found a 2009 study by Gerald Mollenhorst, a sociologist and assistant professor at Utrecht University in the Netherlands. Meanwhile, each decade brings with it greater social inertia. The idea of asking a casual acquaintance or a relative stranger if they would like to get coffee or see a movie begins to feel less feasible. Is it worth the hassle? What if they hesitate (oh God – and then you have to get that coffee anyway)? What if they say yes and then don’t enjoy your company?
“As you age there are fewer and fewer built-in opportunities to meet new people in newer settings,” says Kaur. Friendships forged at work — where most adults spend most of their time — tend to be relatively superficial because of the need to keep the relationship professional too. Meanwhile, adults are still moving around, changing jobs, homes, relationship statuses.
So how do you go about making new friends — a crucial skill in a pandemic, where your favourite people could be impossible miles away?
“It helps to start slow and start small. Don’t look for instant connections,” Kaur says. Remember that making a true friend takes more deliberate effort as one ages. Shared interests, experiences or needs make it much easier. It’s why new parents seem to gain friends almost automatically.
“Start by talking to people who have had similar experiences. Join clubs. Accept more invitations from people who may not be in your inner circle. Make the time for group events,” says Kaur.
Remember that not all friends have the same purpose in your life, adds habit coach Ashdin Doctor. He advocates the Rule of Nine when it comes to choosing one’s friends: Three to learn from, three in the same stage of life, and three that you can teach.
Structure it like this and it becomes much easier to pick potential friends and find ways to bond with them. “The best friend is an abstract concept. It isn’t a person, it’s a category. As you age, you could have multiple ‘best friends’,” Doctor says. Adult friendships are more nuanced than that. They can be short but deep, new but strong, long and humming.
It is important to make the first move. Initiate a conversation, suggest an activity. “If you take this on as a commitment, you never have to wait on the other person, or bring undue stress to the table,” says Doctor. “It’s also important to peacefully let some attempts, or even early friendships, end. You can’t always make it work.”
