When we are brought up in dysfunctional homes, we often bring trauma and triggers in our adult relationships. While it is important that we learn to address the trauma ourselves, sometimes it can be extremely challenging to become aware of the trauma and learn the triggers that we have. “To an untrained ear, a cupboard door slamming shut is nothing more than a brief, inconsequential noise. Yet, to someone living with past trauma, it can be a startling jolt that radiates through their entire body,” wrote Therapist Morgan Pommells as she explained how trauma and triggers can make their way in our romantic relationships and impact the health of the relationship.
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Startled: When the partner walks with a bigger thump or closes the door slightly loud, we can feel startled or often start to wonder if we have done anything wrong to make them behave in a certain way – this comes from the trauma of being brought up in homes where we had to understand the mood of the parent by the similar sound.
Watching for changes: We are constantly being vigilant of any kind of change in their mood or voice to understand if they are emotionally in a different zone. We also instantly start to blame ourselves for the change in their mood.
Begging: We often feel that we do not deserve the relationship and the partner we have – this makes us shed all sense of self and ask them to stay back with us as we start to grow our identity around their presence.
Conflicts: We get extremely affected by conflict or arguments. We start to overthink the entire day about what they said and blame ourselves for everything.
Lashing out: Since we do not address the emotions that we feel in a healthy way, the emotions start to build up, making us lash out one day.
Over-assuming: We always assume that the partner intended to hurt us and start to look inwards and understand what we need to change in ourselves to become better for the partner.