Understanding gaslighting and narcissistic abuse in relationships: Therapist explains the common patterns
Gaslighting and narcissistic abuse are common tools in a toxic relationship. However, the patterns may be difficult to observe in the initial stages, making them affect the mental health of the victim and causing severe challenges. In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Arouba Kabir, therapist, founder of Enso wellness said, “When we start a relationship, we often begin with the hope that it will last forever, with a companion who makes us feel safe and at home. Unfortunately, this is not always the reality. Both gaslighting and narcissistic abuse can be subtle at first but grow more damaging over time.” Also read | Relationship warning signs: From love bombing to gaslighting; 9 red flags you should never ignore
Gaslighting:
The aim of gaslighting is to create confusion, self-doubt, and dependency on the manipulator. In many relationships, gaslighting starts with small, seemingly harmless things. Over time, this can leave you second-guessing everything you feel, it’s subtle, but it can erode your confidence and make you feel like you’re always in the wrong.
Narcissistic abuse:
Narcissistic abuse is also another important for of manipulation that is emotionally draining. It happens when someone with an exaggerated sense of self-importance, little to no empathy, and a deep need for constant validation uses their relationships to maintain control. It follows a predictable cycle: idealisation, devaluation, and discard. In the beginning, they may shower you with attention, affection, and praise—this is the idealisation phase. You feel special, loved, and valued. However, as the relationship progresses, they begin to devalue you, criticising you, belittling your achievements, and making your feel guilty and unworthy. Eventually, the narcissist may discard the victim altogether, often with no warning or explanation, leaving them feeling abandoned and heartbroken.
The common pattern of abuse:
Sex: Sex is not about physical intimacy, it’s about control. A narcissistic partner may manipulate their significant other into being physically available by making them feel like they have no choice.
Service: This manifests in the form of unquestioned service—where one partner (often the victim) is expected to cater to the needs of the narcissist without complaint.
Supply: They need attention, admiration, and control. Hence, they give love in bits and pieces, control the finances and keep the victim emotionally confused. Also read | 10 examples of how your partner may be gaslighting you in a relationship
How gaslighting and narcissistic abuse can affect mental health:
Self-doubt and losing self-worth: When someone constantly questions your reality or denies things that you know to be true, it slowly starts to make you doubt yourself. Victims of narcissistic abuse often experience a range of emotional and psychological symptoms, including depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and shame, often blaming themselves for the behavior.
Feelings of loneliness and isolation: The longer you stay in a relationship like this, the more isolated you might feel. It’s common for people in abusive relationships to believe that they can’t share their experiences with others, thinking no one will understand what they’re going through. This silence, not opening up, can make them feel more alone, as if they’re carrying the weight of the relationship on their own. They also begin to depend more and more on the person who is gaslighting them, for validation, questioning their own judgment and looking to the gaslighter to define what’s true. Also read | What does gaslighting sound like? 5 things to know about this toxic behavioural pattern
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice.
