This First Person column is the experience of Pauline Cyr, who lives in Calgary. For more information about CBC’s First Person stories, please see the FAQ.
WARNING: This story contains distressing details.
Tall pine trees whispered in the cool evening breeze. The stars came out and tiki torches flickered around a quaint drumming circle gathered in a park in southwest Calgary.
I sat next to a dear friend, hiding my grief behind laughter. As the group began softly drumming, I hesitantly joined in.┬а
The drumming became progressively more harmonious and meaningful. I was surprised by how much I relaxed and became enthralled. The unison sounds were like the┬аheartbeat in my chest тАФ a voice for the pain I was suffering and couldn’t express in words.
Could this be possible? Had I found the deep spiritual connection I felt inside a church┬аout here in nature with a drumming circle?
I grew up in Ile-des-Ch├кnes, Man. We had a loving family, where the church, faith and service were a part of everyday life. We attended the local Catholic Church throughout the week and, until I was 21, I aspired to be a Catholic nun.
But I’m also M├йtis from my father’s side, and when the 215 suspected unmarked children’s graves were found at the site of a former residential school in Kamloops, B.C., I reached my breaking point. I felt shame and realized the church was no longer in alignment with my values.
I’m thankful for the pope’s apology. But I made the choice to no longer attend mass until I see a real unity тАФ the full inclusion of┬аIndigenous members within the institution тАФ or until being at peace with the past and the forgiveness in my heart are in alignment.
Without the regular practice of attending church, I felt disconnected spiritually. I missed God’s presence тАФ that peaceful feeling of never being alone, the practice of putting my worries in God’s hands and recognizing the many blessings that come my way.┬а
Without church and a dedicated space for prayer, I felt more anxious, less able to forgive and accept. But this was not the only burden of loss I was carrying.
In 2021, my 93-year-old mom’s health started to decline. I moved in with her for six months, cooked┬аher favourite foods, spent time together┬аand tucked┬аher into bed each night.
During Mom’s final hospitalization, she declined rapidly. Then one day, I touched her arm before I left her bedside. She reached with┬аher hand to touch mine┬аand, an hour later, she was gone. It was surreal.
I felt the loss of a loved one and also a loss of purpose. That sense of purpose was cut further when, within two months of my mother’s passing, both my children left Calgary to pursue their post-secondary education.
The pain of losing my mom, losing a sense of God’s comfort and no longer connecting with my kids face-to-face created a void.
That’s why my friend recommended the drumming circle. It was organized by a musician and therapist, open to the public with drums provided, and drew about 100 participants weekly. My friend and I got to the park early and put our chairs right near┬аthe centre of the drumming circle.
Surrounded by the beating of those drums, I closed my eyes. Suddenly┬аmy tears flowed and I sensed my mom’s presence. Her sweet voice, her scent and her ever-so-familiar laughter. She felt so close.
And then I also became aware of God’s presence, a feeling of calm or stillness and sense of love with no conditions or limitations. I realized that faith can grow anywhere тАФ whether that’s inside a church building or the great outdoors.
That feeling of love тАФ that life is full of blessings тАФ was┬аright there when I created┬аthe space to be present.
Reconnecting with my faith brought gratitude. Suddenly I knew that my kids were exactly where they should be, and I didn’t lose my role supporting them as we remain connected with postal deliveries┬аand video technology.
It was my first and last drumming of the year but I’m planning to┬аresume when the weather warms up. I still hope to go back to the Catholic Church someday, but in the meantime, that one amazing drumming experience warms my heart and gives me hope.
That deep faith connection I once had is re-emerging тАФ a gift of healing, and now with the memory of a drum.
A national Indian Residential School Crisis Line is available to provide support for survivors and those affected. People can access emotional and crisis referral services by calling the 24-hour service at 1-866-925-4419.
Mental health counselling and crisis support is also available 24 hours a day, seven days a week through the Hope for Wellness hotline at 1-855-242-3310 or by online chat.
Telling your story
As part of our ongoing partnership with the Calgary Public Library,┬аCBC┬аCalgary is running in-person writing workshops to support community members telling their own stories.
This workshop was hosted by Unison at the┬аKerby┬аCentre.
To join a workshop, suggest a topic or volunteer a community organization to help, email┬аCBC┬аproducer Elise┬аStolte┬аor visit┬аcbc.ca/tellingyourstory.
