This is the non-win trap between a partner who is seeking connections, and a partner that is running away from growing real connections. This anxious/avoidant trap can be extremely draining for the partners. “Let’s dive into the dreaded Anxious/Avoidant trap. Buckle up because we’re about to unravel the phases of this rollercoaster ride! Some statistics I’ve read said that as many as 80% of couples mirror this dynamic. Wow! No wonder people are frustrated,” wrote Therapist Diane as she explained the anxious/avoidant trap in relationships.
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There are three phases in this anxious/avoidant trap – this is very rampant in relationships. Here are the phases explained by the therapist:
Early phase: In the initial phases of the relationship, there are sparks in the relationship. As the avoidant partner usually expresses themselves physically, the sex and intimacy can be electrifying. They are also good in giving compliments, and the anxious partner feels satisfied with the relationship. The anxious part also feels that they have found a good listener.
Middle phase: In the middle phase, the avoidant person starts to pull away from the relationship – they feel that the relationship is in a stable phase and hence they can focus on their career. However, the anxious person sees this as a way that the relationship is not doing well as the avoidant person starts to spend lesser time with the anxious person. This is the phase when conflicts start to happen because th anxious partner puts in efforts to get back to the initial phase of the relationship. They feel that they are too much, while the avoidant partner feels that they are not enough.
Healing stage: This is the phase when they find common grounds to come together. The anxious partner starts to validate themselves and does not depend on the withdrawal behavior of their avoidant partner. The avoidant partner learns to express themselves more and spend more time with the anxious partner.