In today’s hyperconnected world, cheating doesn’t always involve sneaking around. In this age of hyperconnectivity, cheating has evolved from secret rendezvous to seemingly benign acts like exchanging cute messages, late-night texts, or sharing aspects of life that are meant to be private and secure behind closed doors with people who aren’t registered as life partners.
This type of subtle yet hurtful betrayal is termed as micro-cheating. Though it may appear trivial, micro-cheating can have disastrous consequences on relationships and partnerships. Shallu Chawla, founder and matchmaker at Make My Lagan, shared with HT Lifestyle what micro-cheating is and how to deal with it. (Also read: How to build a secure relationship? Relationship coach shares tips )
What is it?
Micro-cheating does not limit itself to just physical affairs but encompasses boundaries of emotional investment as well. This happens when a person in a committed romantic relationship flirts with the boundaries of being unfaithful and engages in such behaviours, which include but aren’t limited to:
● Engaging in flirtatious exchanges with a “friend”
● Concealing social media actions such as deleting messages.
● Sharing personal thoughts and feelings with someone outside their primary relationship
● Seeking emotional thrill from others and going out of the way to get attention from them.
Micro-cheating is harmful, but more often than not, people do not carry ulterior motives while engaging in behaviour that is deemed inappropriate. It is safe to assume that a majority of individuals don’t realise the boundaries they are crossing until it is too late, and their partner becomes distressed.
An archetype of an underlying problem
Many people don’t realise they’re crossing boundaries until it’s too late. While intentions may not be bad, actions can still hurt a partner. Often, these are brushed off with lines like “we weren’t doing anything at all.” This erodes trust and emotional safety.
Emotional withdrawal leads to secrecy and distance. Divorce or breakups are often blamed on surface issues, while deeper causes, like the emotional fallout on children, are overlooked. These children may feel disconnected and learn to manipulate to get what they need emotionally.
When responsibility fades, even morally wrong acts feel less serious just because they’re not illegal. In today’s world, emotional boundaries blur easily. Constant stimuli without real meaning can make emotional responses feel real, even when there’s no substance behind them.
When emotional distance turns into invisible damage
Feelings of emotional detachment, especially negative ones, transform less noticed into deep-rooted despair, heighten insecurity, and resentment level streams ensure gradual perception destructive chasm.
This enables to:
- Feeling substandard
- Constant emotional checking or second-guessing oneself
- Enduring weak yet debilitating bonds
- Loud outbursts without deeper reasons, marked by severe distaste that lacks any genuine value or true cause, leaving an open wound blamed on false logic, devoid of reason and heart.
How to navigate micro-cheating
1. Set boundaries together
Be as thoughtful as you can about the matter at hand: every relationship functions differently. Some couples may find exchanging casual messages with an ex inconsequential, whereas others may see it as a significant breach of trust. The answer lies in working together, not making assumptions. Sit together and discuss:
● Which actions or behaviours guarantee our feeling of safety?
● What order of boundaries exists between a friendship and an overstep?
● How do we restore the trust once a boundary is overstepped?
Empathy puts a lens of compassion as opposed to an attack. Exude empathy rather than accusations. Do not say, “You shouldn’t…” Words could be different saying, “I feel uneasy when…” This approach places more attention on care rather than assigning blame.
2. Shift from secrecy to transparency
If erasing messages and interactions and avoiding mentioning a person’s name around your partner comes to mind, stop. Ask yourself, What is it that I am hiding? Open and honest is not only about lying around the matter; open and honest refers to discussing in no uncertain terms, choosing to disclose information.
3. Rekindle emotional intimacy
For many people emotional needs do remain unmet, and that is a reason micro-cheating becomes common. Set a regular check-in routine with the intent to discuss:
● What is missing from our connection?
● What ways are there to provide aid and support each other’s emotional worlds?
4. Seek help if stuck
If resentment lingers or boundaries keep slipping, involve a neutral third party. A couples therapist can help untangle unspoken fears and guide you toward healthier patterns.
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice.
