When outsiders flirt with your partner while you both are in a committed relationship, you might think that it may make your partner more desirable to you because of the increased jealousy. It’s considered playful and harmless, after all. The possessiveness feels romantic and fiery. But according to a study, it’s not as passionate and can disastrously backfire.
A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research explored what happens when you witness an outsider flirting with your partner. They uncovered a surprising revelation. Instead of intensifying desire because of jealousy, such incidents actually decrease attraction, even when your partner does not respond to the flirtation.
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Mate poaching
Researchers from Reichman University in Herzliya, Israel, and the US-based University of Rochester put forward a different narrative of the idea that attention from others increases a partner’s desirability and challenges the traditional belief. Instead, the attraction weakens in long-term relationships mostly due to a deep fear of insecurity.
The “more attention equals more desire” formula doesn’t seem to apply to established relationships.
The researchers highlighted the concept of mate poaching, where they see the outsider interested in their lover as a potential competitor who may ‘steal’ their lover. This innate fear of losing them creates defensive behaviour, making them less attractive and leaning towards a disconnect.
The researchers called it ‘a paradox’ as the same scenario would ideally make one more possessive and feel attracted, but this rival actually decreases the desire. This factor of outside attraction for the partner may increase desirability in the nascent stage of the relationship.
Co-author Harry Reis said, “The problem is, once we have established a relationship, we become concerned about something called mate poaching—the idea that a competitor might lure our partner away.” The emotional disconnect is an attempt to safeguard their self-esteem and protect them from getting emotionally hurt if the fears actually materialise. By lowering their desire, it ‘softens’ the blow if they break up.
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Efforts wane
The researchers also elaborated on how people utilise positive and negative strategies to keep their partners close in relationships. Positive tactics include actions like giving gifts and spending quality time together, while negative tactics may involve trying to control a partner’s time. But when someone feels insecure and sees unsolicited flirting with their partners, their expression of love becomes more withdrawn.
Lead author Gurit Birnbaum said, “When a partner’s likelihood of being attracted to someone else is perceived as high, such as when they receive attention from others, people tend to abandon the positive tactics. These defensive distancing responses, says Birnbaum, are designed to avoid a potential blow to one’s self-esteem from rejection rather than risk further attachment to a partner whose commitment could be compromised by rival suitors.”
Co-author Harry Reis advised, “Don’t flirt with others if you want your partner to be happy with you.” The unsolicited flirting plants seeds of abandonment in their head, but when the partner reciprocates the rival’s flirting, the relationship is catastrophically jeopardized.
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