Common reasons why we do not ask for what we need

We are told from childhood to ask for the things we need. While we grow up and start being in our own adult relationships, we are constantly reminded to not keep expectations of people reading our minds. Instead, we are taught to ask what we want and need. That’s how we mould our relationships. Communication being the key in adult relationships, sharing the problems, needs, expectations and wants form the basis of things and emotional stability. However, is it always easy to ask? Sometimes we also fail to communicate the needs and wants we have – why does it happen? Psychotherapist Sara Kuburic addressed this in her recent Instagram post and wrote, “Asking for what we need is not always easy. Of course, sometimes we ask and it’s still not given to us, but a lot of the time we don’t get what we need because we never explicitly asked. What’s stopping you from communicating your needs?”

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Sara further noted down a few reasons as to why we do not ask for the things we need. What is it that is stopping us?

Awareness: The first step of asking for the things we need is to know the things we need. Sometimes, especially in case of emotional needs, we fail to understand the kind of affection we are craving for. This further leads to a communication gap as we are not able to make the other person understand.

Childhood trauma: When we are brought up in dysfunctional families, we have learnt that not always we get what we need. In fact, some of our childhood traumas include asking for our needs and not getting it met. So, we have started brewing the idea of communicating our needs as pointless.

Concern: Often we feel that when we ask about our needs, we can be termed needy or being called as high-maintenance. This thought of being judged for our needs makes us want to stay shut.

Vulnerability: Communicating our needs is not a sign of vulnerability – however, sometimes we are told that it is. This fear makes us not to bare our soul and ask for the things that we need.