In the delicate dance of love, promises about the future often serve as emotional anchors where shared dreams of growing old together, building a home, or embarking on adventures can strengthen bonds between partners. However, what happens when these promises are nothing more than empty words designed to manipulate?
In a recent YouTube video, Dr Ramani Durvasula, a Los Angeles-based psychologist and expert on narcissistic behaviour, shed light on a subtle yet harmful tactic called “future-faking”. She warned viewers to recognise this manipulative behaviour, often employed by narcissists, as it can quietly erode trust and well-being in relationships.
What Is future-faking?
Future-faking is not the same as hopeful planning or fantasising about the future instead, it is a calculated tactic used to control or extract something from a partner under the guise of promises. Dr Durvasula explained, “Future-faking isn’t about talking about the future in a hopeful way—that’s just wishful thinking. It’s about enticing something from someone else based on a promise that the other person has no intention of fulfilling.”
For example, a narcissistic partner might promise to buy a bigger house next year—on the condition that their partner refrains from spending money in the present. Another classic example involves the ultimate commitment: the promise of growing old together. While these promises may seem heartfelt, they are often empty gestures designed to keep the relationship intact as long as the narcissist reaps the benefits of adoration, status or control.
The emotional cost of future-faking
One of the most insidious aspects of future-faking is its long-term emotional toll and Dr Durvasula emphasised that these promises often trap people in toxic relationships, especially those who grew up in a time when narcissism was less understood. She noted that many older couples have endured decades of manipulation without realising it.
“I have dealt with people in 40-plus years, even 50 and 60-plus-year relationships, who are just now understanding the narcissistic patterns they’ve been tolerating,” she shared. The danger is particularly acute as couples age.
According to Dr Durvasula, narcissistic individuals are unlikely to care for their partners when health issues arise, despite years of assurances. “Your illness will be their inconvenience,” she warned.
Even worse, if the narcissistic partner’s health deteriorates first, the other partner may find themselves caring for an ungrateful person who has already caused years of emotional pain.
How to spot future-faking
Recognising future-faking can be challenging, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Here are some red flags to watch for –
- Grandiose promises without a plan: Does your partner frequently make promises about the future but fail to discuss concrete steps to achieve them?
- Conditional commitments: Are their promises tied to you making sacrifices or meeting specific demands?
- Patterns of broken promises: Have they repeatedly failed to follow through on past commitments?
- Emotional manipulation: Do they use future promises to placate you during arguments or to keep you from leaving the relationship?
Breaking free from the cycle
If you recognise future-faking in your relationship, it is crucial to take a step back and evaluate your partner’s intentions and actions. Are they genuinely invested in building a future with you or are they using promises as a tool to maintain control?
Dr Durvasula urged individuals to trust their instincts and prioritise their emotional health. “The goal is to identify toxic patterns early on and to protect yourself from the long-term consequences of manipulation,” she said.
Future-faking is more than just empty promises—it is a manipulation tactic that can have profound emotional and psychological effects but by understanding this behaviour and staying vigilant, you can protect yourself from falling into the trap of a narcissistic relationship. As Dr Durvasula aptly put it, “The future is too valuable to waste on someone who uses it as a bargaining chip rather than a shared journey.”