Parenting is hard. The ’17 diapers’ trend gets honest without shame

If you’ve ever:

• Pushed your bladder beyond the limit because you sat down and became nap-trapped on the couch under a finally-sleeping-otherwise-screaming colicky baby and are afraid to move, so now you live here, you are couch.
• Looked out the window and screamed at the deranged troll-like hag lurking in the bushes watching you with dead-inside eyes, only to realize that’s your own reflection; the hag is you, and when is the last time you showered?
• Googled, in the following order: “coffee breastmilk baby,” “espresso breastmilk baby,” “Red Bull breastmilk baby,” “night nanny,” “night nanny costs,” “lucrative second jobs” and “is essential oil a pyramid scheme?” 

Then you may have recently parented small humans. And you may also likely relate to the “17 diapers” trend currently circulating on social media, where new parents share the struggles of their day-to-day realities.

“Let’s pick up all the dirty diapers I have around my house right now,” says a TikTok user named Hannah in a video she posted earlier this month that’s already racked up 6.8 million views.

The mom of two wanders her house holding a garbage bag, and along the way, finds 17 balled-up diapers spread out among an array of kid drawings, baby wipes, inside-out kid clothes and water bottles. Her husband, she later explains, was away on a pre-planned hunting trip, and in another video she says she sympathizes with single parents (who researchers have found have higher rates of psychological distress).

“No wonder my house frigging stinks right now,” Hannah says after collecting the 17th diaper from her bedroom floor and holding up the garbage bag.

The video went viral, and the reactions — as is the way of the internet — were extreme, ranging from disgust and shame to support and praise. Some early commenters on the original post called it “nasty,” saying there’s “no excuse” not to throw out diapers throughout the day.

But a rather large army of parents defended her, pointing out she was five days postpartum, and praising her for sharing the struggles. Some even posted their own “17 diapers” moments in response. As of Friday, there were nearly 18,000 videos on TikTok that used the #17diapers hashtag.

“That’s 17 times your sweet babies were prioritized over your house. It’s 17 times your sweet babies were cleaned and felt comfort and loved. Being a mom is hard,” wrote one commenter on the original video.

“I don’t have 17 diapers but I cry in my car alone so my mom and my husband can’t see me,” said TikTok user Hillary Wichlin in a video where she’s wearing her 10-week-old baby and adds that she also forgets to take out her contact lenses every night due to exhaustion.

“I might not have 17 diapers on my floor today, but I did wake up looking like this,” wrote Rachel Muse in the description of a video about postpartum hair loss, where she points at her wispy flyaways.

In a follow-up video this week, while wiping tears from her eyes and snuggling her newborn, Hannah wrote that scrolling through everyone’s “17 diapers” videos at 1 a.m. made her feel less alone.

Shame is ‘pervasive’

In an interview with People magazine, Hannah (who didn’t give her last name), said that most of the feedback she received at first was negative and judgmental.

“Yes, there were 17 diapers around my house, but they didn’t see me colouring with my son, while breastfeeding my newborn at the same time. They didn’t see me taking my son to the park, pushing him on the swing, while holding my newborn,” she told the magazine.

That online culture of comparison and shaming was recently highlighted in a public health advisory issued by the U.S. surgeon general about the stresses of modern parenting. In his advisory, Vivek Murthy said influencers and online trends can create unrealistic expectations for parents to compare themselves to and pursue. 

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And shame, Murthy added, has become “pervasive.”

Studies have linked comparing your own parenting to what you see on social networking sites with higher rates of maternal depression, higher cortisol levels and increased envy and anxiety in mothers specifically. Another 2023 study of 2,000 U.S. mothers found that those who used social media were four times more likely to feel like a bad parent than those who didn’t.

But the 17 diapers video also reveals how social media can be a powerful tool for connection and validation, which are antidotes to shame, said Angela Low, an adjunct professor of social and emotional development in the faculty of education at the University of British Columbia

And this is “hopeful, considering it’s usually the opposite — where seeing ‘perfect’ lives of other families, or so much advice on parenting, usually feeds feelings of not being good enough, or failing,” Low, who researches parenting shame, told CBC News.

By sharing her story, Hannah is helping other parents build their own shame resilience, Low said. 

‘We’ve all had a 17 diapers moment’

Which is why, as so many have pointed out, the honesty of the 17 diapers trend is so damn refreshing (if not, exactly, fresh).

“This trend is here for moms to be vulnerable and show what postpartum can really look like,” wrote TikTok user Jessica Haizman alongside a video where she says her 17 diapers moment was contracting COVID-19 postpartum and peeing her pants every time she threw up because she didn’t have bladder control.

“I signed up for the gym so I had a place to take my baby and napped in the locker room,” confessed another mom in the comments.

“I don’t have 17 diapers but I do rewatch photos [and] videos from the first three months of my son’s life because I don’t even remember it,” posted another mom.

“We’ve all had a 17 diapers moment. And if you haven’t, count yourself lucky,” posted another.

Low, with UBC, noted that the trend reminds parents that it’s hard for everyone, and you’re not failing — you’re normal.

“And it’s clear from the comments, many parents are hungry for these messages.”

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