Marriage significantly alters the dynamics between you and your parents. It’s not merely a union of two individuals but of two families. Parents often have a strong instinct to guide their children and look after them, regardless of whether it is needed or not. However, it is not as helpful as they may consider it to be. Marital bliss starts to suffer from this uninvited assistance.
The spectrum of interference is vast, sometimes barely noticeable, while other times it becomes quite suffocating. The interference manifests in several different ways. It can be minor yet irritating, like when they frown upon your home decor and dish out their preferences instead. There are also major intrusions, such as emotional blackmail to have a grandchild within a deadline, under the guise of their numbered days on Earth.
Big or small, the meddling puts you and your spouse in an awkward and stressful position, straining your relationship. The overwhelming interference encroaches upon your independence.
With the life experiences parents have accumulated over the years, they believe they can make better decisions on your behalf. But, unknowingly, they sideline the couple in their own relationship and take over the steering wheel. This casts doubt on the marriage, making it especially difficult for your spouse to deal with your parents’ commanding attitude.
But there are ways to softly, gently navigate this problem. Check them out here:
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Team huddle
Parental interference can come from in-laws or natal parents, leaving you and your spouse cornered in your marriage. It might be an awkward conversation to acknowledge this. Children put their parents on a pedestal, and identifying their toxic traits can cause anxiety. It’s not easy to talk about their shortcomings, especially when your parents are more like friends to you. However, shoving it under the carpet and flashing a smile won’t chase away the problems. Suppressed grievances can fester and slowly poison a marriage. Address the concerns of the interference and lay them out on the table, explaining how it’s affecting either of you. Draw boundaries on what topics are open to assistance and what are strictly off-limits. This conversation gets both of you on the same page, allowing you to work as a team to protect your marriage.
Ripping the bandaid
The root cause of the pointless interference is insecurity. Parents have spent their whole lives looking after their kids and meeting their needs and demands. Now, with this new shift in the relationship, they may feel they are no longer needed. Sit down with your parents and let them know that you are still their loving child, but you need to fly. Sometimes ripping off the Band-Aid is the first step towards healing the wound. Approach this conversation tactfully and consult them from time to time regarding neutral matters, like what to prepare for dinner. This way, they won’t feel excluded, but you will maintain control over what you seek opinions on.
An emotional conversation with parents is like tiptoeing through a field of landmines because you never know how it might blow up. Your parents can be emotionally hurt, or you may become defensive if they casually jab at you or your spouse. Don’t point fingers or blame them for anything; they might dismiss the conversation before you get to the point.
Express your independence with gratitude by saying, “I know you’re trying to help, and thank you for that. But we want to figure this out by ourselves.” If your spouse is uncomfortable with them third-wheeling in your relationship, address this concern as well. It might hurt their ego and result in a blame game directed at your spouse. Open their eyes to the toxic patterns of their influence by giving instances when their comments hurt you or your partner. With empathy and patience, they can come to understand the problems.
If you encounter stubborn refusals and cannot find the middle ground, turn a blind eye to their overbearing suggestions and disregard their opinions. Just nod and smile. It’s okay if someone does not want to change. You don’t have to compromise your mental health, even if they are your parents. Ensure you and your partner are on the same page about the needs and expectations of your marriage. That way, you can face any turbulence with the support of a caring partner and someone to lean on.
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Space to heal
Foster independence when there’s no hope for conflict resolution. Define independence by making it real and tangible. If you’re living with your parents or in-laws, move out and live separately to create a space for your marriage. A new space is beneficial for both of you. Strive to be financially independent to have more influence over decisions regarding your lifestyle. By asserting your autonomy, both unequivocally and gently, you give your parents time to mull it over. They, too, might need space to come to this realization. Time and distance can help settle the dust and provide more clarity for everyone.
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