One of the most satisfying experiences we can have as humans are in healthy relationships. When you’re an adult and facing challenging events on your own, it might be difficult to figure out how to avoid unhealthy or insecure relationships. Everyone makes errors occasionally, and some people even find themselves in bad relationships. However, this does not imply that you should give up. Certainly, we may all improve by reflecting on our previous errors. Relationships that work take communication, respect, and plenty of positive behaviours from both sides. They are not all rainbows and butterflies. (Also read: Relationship tips: Effective ways to reduce relationship stress )
Sadaf Siddique, Psychotherapist and Relationship Expert, suggested five things that are not okay in any relationship, in her recent Instagram post.
1. Holding grudges and allowing them to build
When you hold a grudge, you harbour resentment, pain, and anger towards someone because of what they did (action, words, or your interpretation of it). Research shows that patterns of holding a grudge can lead to anxiety, depression, and disconnection in both romantic and platonic relationships. Letting go of a grudge usually involves reflection, awareness, discussion, releasing (emotions) and forgiveness for either yourself or someone else.
2. Changing your core values to be loved more
Your core values are the standards that guide you when making decisions. These set the foundation of your character and help you feel more grounded. Examples of core values include generosity, honesty, open-mindedness, personal growth, flexibility, self-respect, family, and sustainability. When you alter core values because of pressure (internal or external), you’ll find that you are no longer living in alignment or authentically.
3. Refusing to discuss the difficult stuff
Shutting down conversations about tough topics breeds resentment and shows a disregard for the feelings of the person who brings it up. However, this is different from wanting to take a break or needing space to process before you discuss an important or hurtful issue, as well as setting a boundary around certain topics.
4. Neglecting your needs just to keep the peace
Every single person has needs that make them feel safe, loved, fulfilled, satisfied, etc. A secure person reflects on their needs and tries to meet them. Growing up, if your needs were neglected, then as an adult, you may have learned to ignore them. If you experienced reactiveness when expressing your needs, you may have coped by telling yourself that your needs are not as important (they are!).
5. Abuse (of any kind)
Abuse refers to a pattern of harmful behaviours used to maintain power and control over someone. There are several forms of abuse:
Emotional (e.g., gaslighting, manipulation)
Physical (e.g., shoving, hitting)
Financial (e.g., limited/controlled spending)
Sexual (e.g., forced or unwanted intimacy)