Any Gen-Z or millennial who is on social media has heard about open relationships: having more than one romantic partner outside of your marriage. Many people online claim they might be better than a traditional marriage for a couple and should be openly discussed as we redefine what love and marriage mean in contemporary society. But before you think open marriage is a good idea to entertain and that it could do you and your partner good, there’s a lot you need to know. Also read | What is the best age to marry? Pros and cons of marrying in your 20s, 30s, 40s and beyond
We asked Nupur Dhakephalkar, a queer affirmative clinical psychologist and founder of the Center for Mental Health, six questions about open marriage – its meaning to how it is practised and more – that remain largely misunderstood.
Here’s what she said:
1. What is the difference between marriage and an open marriage? How is it different from polyamory?
Marriage is typically based on a monogamous framework, where exclusivity aligns with traditional societal norms and attachment security. Open marriage allows for consensual non-monogamy (CNM), a relationship style characterised by agreed-upon sexual or romantic engagement with others while maintaining a primary dyadic bond. Polyamory differs in that it often involves multiple committed emotional attachments and prioritises compersion — the opposite of jealousy, where joy is felt when a partner experiences happiness with others.
2. How do you know if open marriage is for you?
Assessing if an open marriage aligns with your needs involves exploring your attachment style and emotional regulation capacities. Individuals with a secure attachment style may find it easier to navigate the trust and vulnerability required in CNM. Couples should evaluate their ability to establish and enforce explicit boundaries and utilise meta-communication—talking about how they communicate—to address concerns. Identifying motivations, such as personal growth or sexual exploration, versus avoidance of conflict or dissatisfaction, is crucial in determining if this arrangement fits your relational goals.
3. What are the pros of open marriage?
Open marriages, when successful, can enhance autonomy and self-determination, fostering personal growth and exploration within a consensual framework. Research on CNM suggests that it can lead to higher levels of sexual satisfaction and diversification of emotional support networks. It also necessitates prosocial communication, which can deepen trust and relational resilience. For some, the experience of compersion may replace feelings of jealousy, further enhancing relational stability.
4. What are the cons of open marriage?
The primary challenges of open marriage include the potential for attachment insecurity and difficulty managing sexual and emotional jealousy. Misaligned expectations can lead to relational conflict, and a lack of effective emotional regulation strategies may exacerbate these issues. The additional emotional and logistical labour, often referred to as relationship management fatigue, can place strain on both partners. Furthermore, societal stigma can contribute to minority stress for couples practising CNM.
5. Can you talk to your family and loved ones about your open marriage? If yes, how should you go about it?
Disclosing an open marriage involves navigating self-disclosure and managing anticipatory anxiety about others’ reactions. Approach the conversation with assertiveness and empathy, framing the discussion in terms of your values and mutual consent. Employ perspective-taking to anticipate their questions or concerns and emphasize relational authenticity—how this arrangement aligns with your core beliefs about trust and partnership. A gradual approach, beginning with those most likely to be supportive, can help build confidence and resilience.
6. What can you do if your open marriage is not working out?
If an open marriage encounters challenges, revisiting the initial relational agreements and engaging in reparative communication is crucial. Focus on emotional attunement to address unmet needs or concerns. Seeking help from a polyamory-affirmative therapist trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT) or similar modalities can provide tools for repairing connections and addressing underlying insecurities. If necessary, consider renegotiating boundaries or transitioning to a more traditional framework to restore relational stability.
Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional advice.
