Raising confident kids: 8 parenting tips to help your child speak up and be heard

In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Dr Lakshmy Menon, Consultant Neonatologist and Pediatrician at Cloudnine Group of Hospitals in Bengaluru’s Bellandur, shared, “Children learn speaking skills primarily from their peers, caregivers and role models, including parents and siblings. They pick up the tone, word usage and nuances from what they observe around them.”

Societal expectations and communication challenges

• Children are educated about when and how to speak or not to speak.
• From an early age, children are taught to speak softly, respectfully, or are sometimes asked to “use their inside voice.”
• Often, children are shushed or told to “keep quiet” when they want to express a point of view, and asked to “speak up” when they mumble. These mixed signals can confuse children.
• In many societies, the notion that “the child is best seen and not heard” prevails.
• As a result, children grow up learning to repress their thoughts and feelings, leading to poor communication skills. They may become aggressive, disruptive, shy, or struggle to express themselves emotionally.

Teaching assertiveness over aggression

• Assertiveness is key to helping children speak and become empowered individuals.
• Aggressive voice: Shouting, using loud voices and many gestures to be heard.
• Passive voice: Avoiding eye contact, mumbling, or fidgeting.
• Assertive voice: Clear, calm voice, maintaining eye contact, and staying composed.
• Role models—parents and teachers—can demonstrate assertiveness and practice with children using role-playing.

Why is it important for kids to speak up?

1. Standing Up for What They Believe In:
   • Teaching children to speak up helps them develop a strong moral compass and stand up for what they believe in.
2. Developing Communication Skills:
   • Good communication helps children make friends, succeed in their careers, and understand body language and cues.
   • Encourage children to order food at a restaurant or interact with the cashier to practice speaking.
3. Problem-Solving and Dispute Resolution:
   • Talking things out can resolve conflicts and differences of opinion.
4. Emotional Intelligence:
   • Speaking up allows children to understand and cope with difficult situations.
   • Regular one-on-one conversations with your child can help them rationalise events and explore ways to handle them.
5. Safety and Self-Protection:
   • Children who speak up are more likely to seek help when in unsafe or uncomfortable situations.
   • Role-playing can help teach children how to react in such situations.

Tips to encourage children to speak more

1. Encourage Self-Expression:
   • Start with age-appropriate conversations, helping toddlers name their emotions (e.g., “Are you angry, sad, happy?”).
   • As children grow, encourage them to explain why they feel the way they do.
   • Be patient and allow them to think through their responses, without leading them to answers.
2. Let Everyone Speak:
   • Include children in family conversations and allow them to express their ideas and opinions.
   • Avoid shushing them when they speak during discussions.
3. Give Everyone Their Time:
   • Encourage respectful conversation by ensuring no one talks over another family member.
   • Teach children to disagree respectfully, without using demeaning language.
4. Let Them Figure It Out:
   • If they don’t get it right the first time, let them practice.
   • Avoid rescuing them or solving problems for them, as they learn best by finding their own solutions.
5. Learn Through Play:
   • Role-playing is a fun way for children to see how their words and body language affect situations.
6. Body Language Awareness:
   • Teach children good body language through role-play.
   • Show them how to stand tall, uncross their legs, maintain eye contact, and speak confidently.
7. Ask Open-Ended Questions:
   • Avoid starting conversations with “why,” which may make children defensive.
   • Instead, ask questions like, “What was fun at school today?” to encourage longer, more thoughtful answers.
8. Be Available:
   • Older children may become quieter and hesitate to express themselves.
   • Set aside one-on-one time with each child, especially in larger families, to ensure they feel heard.

There is no magic formula for encouraging children to be more communicative. However, with practice, patience and guidance, we can help even small children find their voice and express themselves confidently.